Responding to Teenagers Concerns About Actual and Threatened School Violence: Suggestions for Parents

INTRODUCTION

At a time when adolescents are forming their own identities, facing a crisis may cause fears for their own safety, the safety of their school, and the well being of their friends and classmates. Parents of teenagers may have questions: What do I say to my child? How do I respond to his/her fears? What is appropriate, and what might frighten her/him further?

This paper will focus on two areas: common reactions adolescents may have to disasters, and suggestions for parents on how to talk about these types of situations with their adolescents.

COMMON REACTIONS TO DISASTERS

Individuals react very differently to stressful situations. Your adolescent may have little or no reaction if the incident occurred far away, or he/she may be very troubled by the events. The following are some examples of common reactions:

• Loss of control. Your teenager may express anger that the adults didn’t stop this situation from happening. She/he may express fear that the adults at his/her school might not be able to keep the students safe.
• Increase in school absence. Adolescents may say they don’t want to attend school because they don’t feel safe. They may have physical complaints such as a stomachache or headache and say they can’t go to school because of being sick. They may start off going to school but not go to school, or leave before school is over. Also, as parents you may be fearful of sending your child to school.
• Behavioral reactions to stress:

(These vary based upon the age of the child, and common ones include:

1. Young adolescents: Sleep disturbance, loss of appetite, poor school performance, physical complaints (headache, stomachache), conflict with parents, withdrawal from friends.
2. Older adolescents: Sleeping and eating disturbances, agitation, lack of energy, lessened interest in peers, physical complaints (headache, stomachache), poor concentration, irresponsible or delinquent behavior.

DISCUSSION SUGGESTIONS FOR PARENTS

Although most adolescents are capable of thinking through the facts of a crisis and talking about it, it is important that they also deal with their fears and worries. We can also help them express their anger in appropriate ways.

• Provide time to talk about the situation. Talk about what happened in an honest, factual way, with little guessing about the motives and avoiding graphic details of the injuries.
• Respect your adolescent’s views of the situation. Talk with her/him with respect and trust. You may disagree with your teenager’s views about the causes of the tragedy. Listen carefully without interrupting. If you disagree, let your teenager know why. Correct any inaccurate information in a respectful way.
• Help your adolescent understand the value of accepting individual differences. Many recent incidents of violence have been related to harassment issues and non-acceptance of individual differences. Encourage your teenager to report any harassment they see to school staff.
• Don’t force your child to talk. If your child shows that he/she doesn’t want to discuss the situation, say "I understand you don’t want to talk right now, but I want you to know that we can talk about this or anything else anytime you change your mind." It can also be helpful to have your child name other adults she/he could talk with, such as a grandparent or teacher.
• Ask your child how he/she is feeling at his/her school. Share any concerns with your adolescent’s teachers. Ask questions about how the classroom and school are dealing with the disaster.
• Discuss real-life consequences. It would not be unusual for older adolescents to make hasty life choices if they are feeling hopeless about the future. These include choices about marriage or choices about drugs, alcohol, or other risk-taking behaviors. Discuss this with your teenager. Let her/him know that these feelings are related to a sense of helplessness and hopelessness and are not unusual given the circumstances. As their sense of safety returns, these feelings should pass.
• Find something concrete to do. It might be helpful to for your teenager to do something "real" to help the victims. Taking some kind of action can assist in the healing process. Some ideas include:

1. Collecting money to contribute to one of the funds being set up to help the victims.
1. Writing personal notes to someone involved in the tragedy.
1. Writing or journalizing about the tragedy.

CONCLUSION

As a parent you will see a wide variety of responses in your adolescent during and following a crisis. Your adolescent may want to discuss the situation a lot or may not want to talk about it at all. You may see many stress symptoms or none. What is most important is to be there for your teenager and offer support. Returning to your typical family routine as soon as possible will do much to help your child cope. If you have questions or concerns about how your child is coping with the disaster, please contact your child’s teacher or a pupil services professional (school psychologist, school social worker, school counselor, or school nurse) for more individual assistance. Your child’s doctor or clergy in your faith community may also be helpful.

Karen Wydeven, a former Consultant for School Psychology Services at the Department of Public Instruction, adapted from "Responding to adolescents’ concerns about the Persian Gulf war: a handout for parents (DPI, 3/91) and from "Disaster: Helping Children Cope: A Handout for Parents," a chapter in Helping Children at Home and School: Handouts from your School Psychologist. 1998, National Association of School Psychologists.

For questions about this information, contact John P. Humphries (608) 266-7189

Last updated on 2/22/2008 8:00:39 AM